Christmas Wish 2009

Many, many, years ago when Keith was still just a toddler, I was an avid All My Children fan.  One of my favorite episodes was the “Wishing Star” episode. In this episode, it was Christmas Eve, Tad and Dixie had been separated and both were walking through the snow, alone and looking up at the stars. In true soap opera fashion, both stop and see a star and make a wish on it at the same time even though they’re nowhere around each other.

Every Christmas since, I’ve made a Christmas wish.  I usually try to make it on Christmas Eve, sometimes I make it before then and sometimes after then. And every year, I’ve done my very best to make it come true. The first year, I was married and miserable and vowed I’d be happier by the next Christmas.

I was.

When Mr. Unavailable had my life turned upside down with his constant entrances and sudden disappearances, I wished for resolutions. After three years in a row, I had it.

Third time was the charm for that one, I guess.

This year?

Well, since my Christmas wish is generally more of a Christmas resolution since it’s not generally something I leave to chance; my wish is that for the next year, I’m able to focus on ME.

I’m going to make my wish and resolve that I make this year all about ME.

Selfish?

Not really.

My son is 17, mostly raised, going to community college next month. He’s pretty much self-sufficient at this point.

I’ve been giving more of myself than what I’m getting in return and it’s worn me out.  It’s made me grumpy, impatient, moody, and really just not myself.

It’s time for that to change.

It’s time for me. It’s time for me to make time for ME. To do what I want. To take care of me.

And in return, I’ll be better for it. I’ll be happier, more patient, and myself.

That is my Christmas wish; I wish that 2010 will be the year of Alisha.

And I vow to make that happen.

And I’ve already started. Someone asked me last night what I was doing for Christmas Eve and I said, “Whatever I want.”

The response I got, “You go girl.”

And for the time being, that’s going to be my mantra.

“Whatever I want.”

For now, I’m off to rest and relax. This is what I WANT to do right now.

Here’s to Christmas wishes!

Hope all of you are having a wonderful holiday season.

Peace! I’m out


Supermoms

 

I’m reading a book right now. Yeah, I do still read every now and then 🙂 Not nearly as much as I used to. I just have a really hard time finding stuff to read that interests me.

I picked up a book yesterday, Red River. It’s by the same author who wrote Cane River, Lalita Tademy. I LOVED Cane River. It was a semi-fictionalized account of the Tademy from slavery to freedom. It was incredible. I just started Red River, but it’s already hooking me. 

I was reading last night while Keith and Ian watched a scary movie. For someone who used to watch every scary movie that came out when I was a teen, I’m sure a wimp now. I can’t even read a scary book anymore. Jeesh.

Anyway, I digress yet again. The book is set in the 1800’s, and the opening scene is the woman getting up an hour earlier than the man to cook breakfast and get the household going before he got up to work the farm.

I thought of how times have changed. Even since my grandparent’s time. I can remember staying the night with my grandma and grandpa and she’d get up and cook him breakfast and he’d get up when it was ready. Of course, by then he was retired so he would have his breakfast then go visit with his buddies.

My other set of grandparents were not that different. My Grandma still gets up and cooks breakfast and they work the cows and all that farm stuff.
Two generations later, I’m barely making it out of the door in time to go to work. Breakfast? What’s that? That’s that meal I sometimes cook on Saturdays or Sundays.

My mom is an awesome mom. She had and still has dinner on the table at a certain time a good majority of the time. Dad walks in at around four-four thirty and comes to the dinner table. It’s ready and waiting.

I tried to fit this mold that I grew up with. Trying to keep the house spotless and a home cooked dinner on the table. What did I get?

Frustration and disappointment. Feeling that I couldn’t be a Supermom because I couldn’t cook every night, or couldn’t get the house spotless all the time.

Hello?

Single mom here.

I’ve had to make a conscious effort to teach myself to cut myself some slack. So what if dinner is from a box? There’s food on the table, isn’t there? So what if the house isn’t spotless? There’s a roof over our heads, that I bought myself by the way.

It’s impossible to do two roles perfectly all the time. To be the breadwinner and the care-taker.I think that like me, a lot of women get upset with themselves because we put too much pressure on ourselves to be perfect; the perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect professional, the perfect friend. And we can’t. Number one we can’t be perfect. Number two we can’t possibly be everything to everybody. Something will suffer in the process.

It’s about balance. That’s another lesson I’ve had to learn. I can’t go out every night and still do a decent job in my career. But I can’t put in 50 hours of work each week and expect to have any kind of life, socially or with my family. But, I can go out a couple nights a week, cook dinner and clean house a few nights a week, and grade papers or make parent phone calls a couple nights.

See, B-A-L-A-N-C-E.

Something I’ve never been very good at. 
 
Does that make me a Supermom?

I don’t know.

Sometimes I think that in my next life I’d like to be a housewife. I’d like to get up, cook breakfast, get the kids off to school, clean the house, all that good stuff. And then sometimes, I think that I would go insane.

Who would I talk to?

I don’t know. My life is what it is and to be honest, I quite like it. No use wondering what might have been or what might happen.

And if I can get dinner on the table a few nights a week, and keep the cops from breaking down my door after mistaking my house for a crack house, I think I’ve done a pretty good job.

Maybe I’m not a Supermom, maybe I’m just a mom doing the best I can. 🙂 And maybe that’s what we’re all doing.

For now, I’m off to have some breakfast.

Here’s to all the Supermoms out there. All of the moms doing the best they can.
Cheers!
I’m out!

Men-O-Pause

No, not menopause.

Men-O-Pause.

I’m taking a break from men and from dating for now.

No, I’m not bashing men. I love men.

Most of my best friends are men.

Maybe it’s more dating-o-pause.

That just doesn’t sound as good. 🙂

I just want to take a step back and really think about what it is that I really want. I know what kind of man I want, but what kind of relationship do I want. My recent trip to relationship-land opened my eyes to a few potential problems I hadn’t really thought about. What kind of relationship do I want with the guy’s family? If he has children, what kind of relationship do I want with them?

I’ve always said I wanted to date a man with children. I have a child, well teen, actually, who’s fifteen. Fifteen and a half, if you ask him. I have no intentions of starting over and having more children. The choice whether or not to have children is one of those things you can’t really compromise with in a relationship, you either have them or you don’t. Dating a guy who already has children would bypass a potential relationship pitfall.

But, what kind of relationship would I want to have with the children? Would I want to be an active member in their lives? Would I want to go to Little League games? Would I want to baby-sit on days my guy has to work? Would I want to take them shopping, to the movies, to that hell called Chuck E. Cheese?

I never really thought about that.

That’s definitely giving me reason to pause.

And what kind of relationship would he want me to have with his children, and he with mine? Would he have the same ideas as I do? And if not, is he willing to compromise?

Good questions.

Definitely not something I thought about before.

And definitely something that I’m thinking about now.

Hmmmmmm…….

Maybe I’ll ponder that one some more tomorrow. For now, I think I need a good long nap!

Until next time…….

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