You’re Just Not My Type

I love to watch people. Not in a crazy serial killer way, but people in general just interest me. I like to watch how they behave, how they react to situations, see what kinds of personalities they have.

Maybe I chose the wrong profession. Maybe I should have been a counselor or a therapist. Or maybe not. Maybe I have enough issues on my own. 🙂

I was in my neighborhood bar the other night and I was watching some of the customers. I was watching some of the guys and girls flirt with each other. Something that always intrigues me is seeing who’s interested in who. Not because I’m nosy, but because I think people have definite “types”. I used to think that I didn’t have a type, and maybe I didn’t for awhile, but I definitely do now. I also used to think that types were more about looks, like the old cliche’ “tall, dark, and handsome”. And maybe it does a little bit. I went through my tall, slender, and younger stage. For awhile there, I don’t think I dated or was really interested in someone unless they were five or six years younger than me.

Maybe because we shared the same goal. They were trying to find themselves and so was I.

I don’t think it’s about looks, I think it’s being attracted to someone who’s like you in some way. And as I think about my friends and their relationships, there’s a certain “sameness” that each couple has. It may be similar educational backgrounds, or similar levels of ambition or goals.

I’ve been interested in guys before, and have wondered why they weren’t interested in me. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I’m intelligent, kinda funny, and not too bad to look at.  But as I’ve gotten to know some of these guys, and have met the women they date, I realized that I’m simply not their type.

What is my type now?

Well, let’s survey the funnel. 🙂 Right now there are four guys in the funnel. One is new, he took the place of the guy I drained over the weekend for a lack of interest. 🙂

Looking at the three that have been in my funnel for awhile, they are all older, have their lives together, know who they are and want they want. Two of them own their own businesses. And (drum roll please……) all three seem to be emotionally available!

You can hold your applause until the end of the blog….

He he!

I guess my type really has changed. 🙂

For now, I’m off to enjoy a lazy Sunday after a hard night of work last night. 🙂

Here’s to finding our own types!

Cheers!

I’m out!

By the way, I’d like to say a special thank you to Sara for giving me my first ever blog award and my first blog link! For those of you who are fans of New Orleans, check out her blog!

http://newsfromnola.blogspot.com/

You Take The Breath Right Out of Me

“I see nothing in your eyes
And the more I see the less I like
Is it over yet?
In my head

I know nothing of your kind
And I won’t reveal your evil mind
Is it over yet?
I can’t win

So sacrifice yourself
And let me have what’s left
I know that I can find
The fire in your eyes
I’m going all the way
Get away please

[Chorus:]
You take the breath right out of me
You left a hole where my heart should be
You got to fight just to make it through
‘Cause I will be the death of you

This will be all over soon
Pour the salt into the open wound
Is it over yet?
Let me in”

“Breath” by Breaking Benjamin

Is it just me or have we all gone through a relationship like this? The relationship that the less the other gives the more needy we get and the more unbalanced the relationship gets?

I remember a few years ago, a good friend of mine was going through the same thing and I just couldn’t understand why she would keep beating her head against the wall. Why could she not simply walk away? It just didn’t make any sense to me.

Then, it was my turn. And it still didn’t make any sense, but I couldn’t walk away either. It took the breath right out of me. I was the one beating my head against the wall.

And the more I did, the more of a love/hate relationship it became, the more I just wanted it to go away, to be over. But, for some reason, I couldn’t walk away.

It was a vicious cycle.

I finally walked away from it. I finally deleted that number. I finally stopped responding to his calls.

I’ve walked away a little jaded and a lot less naive. And it’s not something I’m ever going to do again.

I know now that the “butterflies” aren’t always a good thing. Butterflies don’t always mean a person is good for you. And there’s a difference between happy butterflies and nervous nausea. Life isn’t a movie. Just because you’re attracted to someone it doesn’t mean you are going to automatically fall in love and live happily ever after.

See what I mean about less naive?

It’s made me a lot more picky about the guys I let in my funnel. Out of the guys I’ve met recently only about one in three are allowed in the funnel. They have to be available, dependable, and generally dateable. (Maybe my new acronym should be A.D.D)

Speaking of the funnel. There’s still some good prospects. The two that were in there previously are still floating around, and two more have been added. All available, all dependable, and all dateable according to what I’m looking for in a man.

It’s all about quality, not quantity this time.

And maybe that was just one lesson that I learned

For now, I’m off to get ready for work!

Here’s to Breaking Benjamin!

Cheers!

I’m out

The Dating Idiot Returns

With the return of the funnel, it was only a matter of time before the dating idiot stories returned too.

My latest dating idiot moment?

I was in my neigborhood hang-out Friday night talking to one of my guy friends, and we’re talking about the wedding we were all going to Saturday night. Weddings aren’t my thing. They’re too formal, I always make some kind of social faux pas, and I’m generally miserable the entire time.

So, I decide to cheer myself up about it, and look on the bright side.

“This does give me an excuse to go shopping, you know.” I tell him. Then my eyes light up as I realize this will mean SHOE SHOPPING as well.

Shoes.

Excuse me for a moment while I make the Homer Simpson noise.

Definitely cheered, I perk up a little.

My friend asks me what I plan on buying, more or less humoring me I’m sure.

I’ve been kicking around the thought of wearing more skirts, so I say, “Probably a skirt.”

“Oh yeah?” his eyes light up a little, “And heels?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, if you wore a skirt and heels, I’d definitely hit on you.”

Now, is that not a hit itself? A guy telling you he’s going to hit on you is probably a clear indication of interest. Do I pick up on that?

Of course not.

What did I do? What do you think? I went shopping yesterday and bought a skirt and a pair of heels. And I called his bluff.

Did he hit on me?

Later, after the wedding, (which was one of the most enjoyable weddings I’ve been to), we were all back at the bar and I’m sitting with my friend. I reach out and punch his arm.

“You were supposed to hit on me!” I tell him.

“I did!” he tells me.

“When?”

“What do you think that was when I stood beside you the entire time you were at the reception?”

“That was hitting on me?”

Apparently, I’m still a dating idiot.

How does one know when a guy is hitting on you vs. just making conversation?

Maybe this is just one disadvantage of having so many guy friends. I talk to guys all the time. It’s normal. I don’t assume they’re showing some kind of interest. I think if a guy asks for your phone number, that’s a definite sign. Or if he asks you out, that’s a definite sign.

Speaking of which, I need to wear more skirts. Both of those things happened for me last night. One guy asked for my phone number, and one asked me to do something today.

That was three definite hits last night. Only one goes in the funnel though.

Speaking of the funnel, it is definitely filling up. All the numbers I deleted have now been replaced with new numbers. All S.T.A.R.’s (Someone Trustworthy, Available, and Real–from Date Smart!).

Only one has resurfaced. He’s still not allowed back in the funnel. He’s not available.

I have two really good funnel candidates so far, and I haven’t really been trying that hard. 🙂

Let’s see what happens when I finally subcribe to those dating sites.

Cheers!

I’m out!

The Funnel Day One

Well, my friends, I have dusted off the ol’ funnel.

My first order of business for the funnel?

Disinfecting.

That’s right, a major cleansing.

I’ve spent the last two days deleting numbers, deleting old text messages so I’m not tempted to add them back, and sending numerous text messages so that certain names do not appear in my “recently used” category.

Any guy who I chased (and didn’t chase me back), who was emotionally unavailable, or was just unsuitable for dating in general is being purged from my phone.

I want a sparkling clean funnel with no lingering emotionally unavailable cooties.

And that being said, I have some new rules for me.

1. I will not ask any guy out that I’m interested in, period. If he wants to take me out, he will have the you-know-what’s to ask. That doesn’t mean I won’t give a hint or two, but I will not ask.

2. I will not make excuses for bad behavior, i.e. saying he’ll call and not. If he can’t keep a simple promise like that, he’s not funnel-worthy, or even Soonergirl-worthy for that matter. Interested guys WANT to talk to you. Bad behavior will result in immediate drainage from the funnel.

3. Well, I can’t think of another rule yet. I’m sure one will come to me. I’m open for suggestions too. 🙂

For now, I’m off to put my feet up. It’s been a long day and it appears I have a couple of intriguing e-mails to answer…..:)

Here’s to a brand spanking new funnel!

Cheers!

The Funnel Returns

It’s time to reinstate “The Funnel”.  After a two-year hiatus. It’s time to dust it off, patch it up, and try to mold it back into some kind of funnel-like shape. At the end of my man-hunt two years ago, I think I kicked it, threw it, and stomped on it a few times.

What is “The Funnel”?

 Introduced to me by one of my very good friends, the funnel is a potential mate filtering device.  When you are dating, you take all the guys you meet and put them in the funnel. Slowly, as you get to know them, you filter them out, leaving the good matches in.

Your ultimate goal is to have one good match left in the end, after you’ve sorted the rest out.

My funnel experience didn’t work out too well the first time. I did get a good book out of it, one that will be published some day. And I learned alot of lessons in the process.

Last time, I’d meet a guy and throw him in the funnel. It didn’t matter if he didn’t really want to be in there, and that he would try continuously to crawl out. If he was male, was breathing, and attractive, he was in my funnel.

This time, there will be rules and a selection process. Too much thought? I don’t think so. I think there needs to be more forethought before throwing guys willy-nilly in the funnel.

My first rule?

No previous funnel inhabitants will be allowed back in the funnel. This will only be a problem for one funnel guy, but I think I can work on that.

My second rule?

No guy will be permitted back in the funnel after being sifted out. Major problem in first funnel experience. I allowed too many second and third chances.

My third rule?

No guys from D.J.’s, my neighborhood hang-out, will be allowed in the funnel. My Prince Charming is not in D.J.’s. If he was, I would’ve found him by now.

And the last rule….

Only serious candidates will be thrown into the funnel. It’s not a gumbo. You can’t just throw all these people in the pot and expect something good to come of it. Only quality ingredients will be allowed.

Four rules are good. That’s one of the first things they teach you in college. Have no more than 3 or 4 rules. 🙂

Those are easy for me to remember anyway.

So, are there any funnel guys yet?

Not really.

Am I going to write about it like I did “All I Want”?

Oh, you betcha.

*Grin*

What’s wrong with writing a sequel?

I’m sure my experiences will be just as entertaining as the first time around.

For now, I’m off to fill my funnel!

Cheers!

I’m out!

The Answer?

“Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight”

 

–Sarah McLachlan, “Answer”

 

Prepare yourself my friends for a truly philosophical blog……..I know, I know…crazy, huh?

 

For the last few days I’ve had something on my mind. I’ve pondered it, pushed it away, came back to it, pondered some more, and still this issue remains.

 

I was reminded again of this problem last night, when I heard this song. I guess I was in a mellow mood because I had some Sarah playing while I played around on some blog sites.

 

I have heard “Answer” many times. I LOVE Sarah McLachlan. Her lyrics are beautiful and expressive, and her voice is like butterscotch. Her music is relaxing and calm.

 

Last night, while I was listening, I heard the lyrics and again. I was reminded AGAIN of the issue that’s been plaguing my mind like these damn mosquitoes we have here. It just won’t go away, no matter how much I swat at it, and leaves a bite that keeps itching.

 

I realized the problem is that on this particular issue, I’ve never chosen to fight. I’ve always given up or given in, even when giving up wasn’t what I wanted to do. I do this every time this situation arises and every time I get the same result. Wasn’t it Einstein that said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting different results”? Am I insane?

 

Probably so.

 

Don’t bring the straight-jacket after me just yet though.

 

Admitting you have a problem is the first step to sanity.

 

Or something like that.

 

What would happen if I chose to fight this particular battle? Or is it like one of my advice site buddies said, “Sometimes you have to lose the battle to win the war?”

 

I’m definitely on the losing side of this particular war, if a love life can be considered a war. 🙂 So losing the battles isn’t doing me any good.

 

So when does someone know when to retreat, when to surrender, or when to dig in and fight?

 

And should I finally dig in and fight?

 

Hmmmmmm…..

 

What is the answer?

I don’t know yet. Part of me wants to go back and fight, and part of me wants to retreat. I’m tired of fighting the same battle over and over again. But, if fighting the battle means that I win the war and get the guy that I want, won’t it be worth it?

Good questions. Something I’ll definitely have to ponder some more.

 

Here’s to a brief moment of philosophy amidst all my goofy ramblings. 🙂

 

Cheers!

 

I’m out!

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Commitment-Phobic or Enthusiastically Independent?

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine this past weekend about someone who used to be a friend of mine. This particular person is in a relationship with someone who thrives on drama. She is one of those people that if there’s no drama in her life, she will create drama. She’s perpetually in trouble and needs saving.

This friend has proposed to this drama queen. We think he’s insane. But I don’t think it’s insanity. I think it’s what I call a “Superman Complex”. He proposed to her because he realized that saving her would take a lifetime commitment. Personally, I think he should be committed, but he doesn’t listen to me. Can’t listen to me. But that’s a whole other story.

In fact, it was this conversation that prompted me to think of my own commitment issues. In the past, I’ve always thought it was a fear of commitment. Now, I’m not sure. I don’t think I’m commitment-phobic. I don’t think I’m scared. Recently, I had a good relationship going, and fear never set in.  I wasn’t afraid.

Maybe I was in the past. I can see how I’ve gotten close to guys in the past and pushed them away because I was afraid of getting hurt, but now it’s different.

Now, I think I’m commitment-resistant.

I thought of the person who I was very good friends with, who had to give up my friendship to stay in his relationship. I’ve been there. I was in a relationship very much like that.  I had to choose between my friends and my relationship. For a time, it was well known that if I chose to go out with my friends, I would be in the doghouse. It wasn’t an out and out, “If you choose your friends over me, I’m leaving”. It was, “If you choose your friends over me, I will give you hell.”

And it was hell everytime I made that choice. And I made it often. I’ve always been a little stubborn.

And when I made the choice to end that relationship, I felt a freedom that I don’t think I’d ever felt before. It was a freedom I still feel. I can go do as I please, talk to who I please, go where I please. The only people I answer to are myself, my son, and God.

And I don’t think I’m afraid of giving that up. I think I’m reluctant to give that up.

Maybe I’m relationship-reluctant.

Now, if someone told me I had to make a choice between my friends and a relationship, I’d say, “I’m sorry you feel that way. Have a nice life.”

I might feel sad for a few days. It’s always sad to end relationships, but it wouldn’t be long and I’d be back to being my normal indpendent self, reveling in single-dom. I’d be hanging out with my friends, going and doing as I please.

If I were a man living in the 1700 or 1800’s, (I’m not good with dates), I’d be what was called a “confirmed bachelor”. A guy who didn’t feel the need to take on a wife. He gambled, partied all night, hung out with his other confirmed bachelor friends. But it’s not the 1700 or 1800’s and I’m definitely not a man.

Maybe a new term could be “Certified Single”?

Or “Fortunately Foot-Loose”?

How about “Enthusiastically Independent”?

I’m not commitment-phobic, I’m enthusiastically independent.

I think I like the sound of that.

Hmmmm….there’s definitely some potential there with that term. 🙂

Until next time here’s a good website I found for those that are afraid of commitment….

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/442423/fear_of_commitment_the_whys_and_how.html?cat=41

Sooner 😉

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=98418077

Men-O-Pause

No, not menopause.

Men-O-Pause.

I’m taking a break from men and from dating for now.

No, I’m not bashing men. I love men.

Most of my best friends are men.

Maybe it’s more dating-o-pause.

That just doesn’t sound as good. 🙂

I just want to take a step back and really think about what it is that I really want. I know what kind of man I want, but what kind of relationship do I want. My recent trip to relationship-land opened my eyes to a few potential problems I hadn’t really thought about. What kind of relationship do I want with the guy’s family? If he has children, what kind of relationship do I want with them?

I’ve always said I wanted to date a man with children. I have a child, well teen, actually, who’s fifteen. Fifteen and a half, if you ask him. I have no intentions of starting over and having more children. The choice whether or not to have children is one of those things you can’t really compromise with in a relationship, you either have them or you don’t. Dating a guy who already has children would bypass a potential relationship pitfall.

But, what kind of relationship would I want to have with the children? Would I want to be an active member in their lives? Would I want to go to Little League games? Would I want to baby-sit on days my guy has to work? Would I want to take them shopping, to the movies, to that hell called Chuck E. Cheese?

I never really thought about that.

That’s definitely giving me reason to pause.

And what kind of relationship would he want me to have with his children, and he with mine? Would he have the same ideas as I do? And if not, is he willing to compromise?

Good questions.

Definitely not something I thought about before.

And definitely something that I’m thinking about now.

Hmmmmmm…….

Maybe I’ll ponder that one some more tomorrow. For now, I think I need a good long nap!

Until next time…….

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=98418077

C-C-Commitment

The C-Word.

Commitment.

What is is about that word that strikes such fear in some hearts?

I know it strikes fear in mine, and I’m no coward. Well, I am scared of snakes and fireworks, but that’s a whole other issue.

I am a commitment-phobe. I’ll admit it. In my past relationships, a guy would start to mention the c-word, and I’d shush him up.

“Shhhh….We don’t say the C-Word.”

Saying the C-Word would send me running, and not necessarily into someone’s arms. More like running and screaming AWAY from someone’s arms and back to the safe cocoon I like to call single life.

Yeah, I know, some deplore single life. Not me, I revel in it. I love it. I’m able to go and do what I want when I want. I can hang out with who I want. Since 90% of my friends are single guys, (attractive single guys), hanging out with who I want can tend to become an issue in relationships. I can be a blanket hog, sleep sideways, if I want. Eat Chef Boyardee for dinner. I love being single.

I also get to avoid the dreaded C-Word.

Again, what is it about the C-Word that causes such fear?

I think it’s fear.

And the fear depends on the person who’s avoiding the C-Word.

Someone who’s been burned in relationships might be afraid of getting hurt again.

Someone who is like me and treasures their independence might be afraid of losing that part of them.  A friend of mine sent me a comment on the “That Don’t Impress Me Much” blog. The one where I mention the c-word and the guy runs off. That’s been a few months ago and that guy still hasn’t talked to me.  (Apparently, he’s commitment-phobic also. :)) In this comment, my friend brought up a good point. He said that as we get a bit older, we become more commitment-phobic because we’re afraid of what we’re going to have to give up. Are we going to have to give up our independence? Our space? What are we going to have to compromise on?

And I think that’s a very good point. As we get older, and I’m not THAT old, mind you, and as we’re single for awhile, I think we become sort of set in our ways. We have our little habits, our little routines.

For example, I love my morning silence. I write in the mornings, do a little reading, drink my coffee or tea; it’s MY time. Is that something I would have to give up or compromise on? And is that a reason to be commitment-phobic?

I think so.

I also have two guy friends who say they don’t want a relationship because they know how they are and they don’t want to hurt anyone. They know they’re in a place where they aren’t ready to offer anyone a relationship for personal or professional reasons.

Is that yet another reason for commitment-phobia?

Or is it simply an excuse?

I don’t know. I don’t have the answers. If I did, I’d be making the big bucks as a relationship therapist. Now that would be interesting. Me giving relationship advice? That’ll happen.

Speaking of which, why are all the books about finding a relationship? Where are the books about people like me? The people who relish single-dom and treat the c-word like a dirty word?

If you know of any, let me know. I’d love to read them.

If not, hmmmm….Maybe that’s my next writing project.

Until next time……

 Sooner

*Be sure to check out my Myspace blogs too…..

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog&Mytoken=97193916-2047-445D-B249F0D6BA90884E62138696

 

 

 

That Don’t Impress Me Much

 March 28, 2008

Ahhhh…I’m sitting here, enjoying a beautiful spring morning, drinking my favorite coffee. It’s a great start to the weekend.

And I’ve been dying to write this blog since yesterday afternoon. 🙂

Yesterday, I was fiddling with my computer, for some reason it wouldn’t connect to the internet, I could log onto Yahoo Messenger and MySpace Messenger, but not the internet.

While I was trying to figure all this out, a message window popped up. I’d talked to this guy a few times before, so I started having a conversation.

 Mom, you may not want to read this one

 We’ll call him Steve to protect his not-so-innocence.

 Steve asks me if I still have my man. (Last time we talked, I was persuing a relationship with someone.)

I reply no.

 “When are we going to hook up then?”

 Okay, I’ve been in the dating scene for awhile now, and “hooking up” is one of those phrases I’m not quite sure about. To me, the connotation has never been a good one. So I do ask him what that means.

 “Meeting for drinks.”

 Ahhh, okay. I can handle that.

I throw out a couple of ideas, then he asks me if we’re going to get lucky after a few drinks. Apparently, this affects where we’re meeting and when.

This is what I ask, “So tell me something. Does that really work with women?” (I figure this is a good time to do some research.)

 “Yes, most of the time.”

 I’m surprised at this, “And what kind of woman does this work on?”

 “Well, most women after they see the size of my package.”

 Hmmmmm. Okay. I try to wrap my mind around how this comes up in a conversation during drinks. Does he show up in a trenchcoat? Does he say “Excuse me while I whip this out?” and lay it on the table/bar like a cocktail weinie? (Sorry, I just couldn’t resist.)

I don’t get it.

I politely tell him that’s just not going to happen.

 “I can promise you, you won’t be disappointed.” he assures me.

 “Honey,” I tell him, “I’m already disappointed.”

 He doesn’t get it though. He is sure that I will be very interested in what’s between his legs.

I tell him, it’s not what between his legs that I’m interested in, it’s what’s between his ears. And a sense of humor, and a sense of respect, and a knowledge of how to treat women.

He tells me that he’s interested in all that too, but before he makes a commitment, he needs to be sure we’d be compatible.

Yeah right.

I tell him that I want a commitment and he logs off without even saying goodbye.

Hmmm…Apparently, the “C” word works on guys like this like garlic works on vampires and sends them running away.

I’ll have to remember that little tidbit. That’s good to know.

I may just throw that word around next time I’m talking to someone I’m not quite sure about.

How about, “Hmmm…I bet that project takes a lot of COMMITMENT.”?

Or, “It sounds like you’re really COMMITTED to golf.”?

Hehehe.

Maybe I should be COMMITTED.

After this conversation, I posted a bit of this on my favorite advice website. I guess I just needed validation that there are gentlemen out there who know how to treat a lady. Luckily, many men responded positively. But it still made me think.

Is it a generational thing? This guy is in his twenties. Then I thought about two of my guy friends who are both 25. I can’t imagine either of them approaching a woman like that. Not that they wouldn’t make an innuendo or two, but never as blantant as this guy.

And then there’s guys in their thirties I’ve known who act this way. They’re a bit more subtle, but their motives are the same.

So apparently, it’s not an age thing. It’s a personality thing. And I can’t believe it actually works on women.

It sure didn’t work on me.

For now, I’m off to continue rearranging my furniture and cleaning my castle.

Here’s to Spring Breaks, weekends, and commitment!

Cheers!

I’m out!

*Like what you read? Check out my Myspace blog….

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=98418077